Written in Fall of 2000, revised in 2005.
In the Spring of 2000, I moved into my first apartment in Haverhill MA. It was a
cozy one-bedroom near the downtown area. Since I worked in Boston, I had a tough
commute, about two hours door-to-door to and from work. I didn't have much time
to meet people at work or near where I lived, so I decided to post a personal ad
online. I had fairly good luck with ads before, and seemed to know how to avoid
the "bad eggs" as my Grandmother would call them. I always made sure that my ad
was long enough to make the point that I DIDN'T want a certain type of person.
It may have been a laundry list, but I figured I was better safe than sorry!
I was at work one day when I got an AOL instant message from someone who had
read my ad. We seemed to instantly hit it off, and he seemed very charming and
funny. To my surprise, he didn't push too hard to meet right away, which made me
feel very comfortable. We would chat online every day for about a month. We
would ask each other funny questions to test our reactions and one day he asked
"If you were a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?"
I thought it was an interesting question so asked him if we could both answer at
the same time. Both of us instantly replied "sweet potato". He thought it was
such a unique answer, that he was convinced we should meet. I really wanted to
meet with him, because he really made me laugh and seemed like he would be a
great person to hang out with. I looked forward to his messages and our chats
every day, and wanted to meet the man behind them. I was nervous nonetheless,
but agreed we should meet. I asked him when, thinking that he would say "next
week" or some other time in the relatively near future. Instead he said, "Let's
meet now, how do I get to your apartment?" It was after 11pm! All of a sudden I
was even more nervous, but amazingly, not in a scared way. I was actually
thrilled. So I gave him directions, and he told me he would be in Haverhill in
When he arrived, I went out to meet him and the second I looked at him I felt
faint. My knees started to weaken, and I thought I was going to fall to the
ground. What the hell was happening to me? Had I never seen a gorgeous man
before? I certainly had, but for some reason this was different. He wasn't the
type of man that everyone would think was gorgeous....he wasn't a Brad Pitt or
Tom Cruise. He was heavy, but he had a handsome face and he had a strong air of
confidence about him. VERY STRONG. I don't think I ever completely believed the
saying that confidence attracts, until I met David. He gave me the romantic
equivalent of a firm handshake...a very firm but comfortable hug.
He decided we would take a drive to Hampton Beach in New Hampshire, walk along
the shore and talk. We had very animated conversations, and he would tell me
about his job, his friends and what he liked to do....but very little about his
family. There had been a period of time when I stopped chatting with him online
for a few days because I was busy with work. He brought that up in our
conversation, and gently scolded me about not talking with him, and that work
was "no excuse". At the time I brushed it off as being part of his dry sense of
humor, it was difficult to tell sometimes whether he was serious or joking. The
evening was comfortable though, we talked easily and I felt the same excitement
and happiness as I did when we were talking online. He drove me home to
Haverhill around 3am, gave me another strong hug, and promised we would chat
online again and set up a real date.
We had made plans to go out for dinner a few days later, which I was looking
forward to. On the day we were supposed to get together, he called and said he
would have to be late, so we would order Chinese take-out at my place and watch
a rented movie instead, which we did. We sat very close to each other, and I
don't think I ever paid attention to the movie. I was too nervous, and my heart
was pounding too hard. He was sitting sideways facing me, and I was facing
forward, so it didn't help that I knew he was looking at me. I barely breathed.
At one point he told me I was very beautiful in a soft gentle voice, and I
thought I was going to have a heart attack. He asked if he could kiss me. I
couldn't reply with words, so I leaned over and kissed him. My ears started
ringing, and I could tell my face was flushed, and we kissed for so long that I
had to gasp for air. I felt far from in control of what I was doing and a scary
feeling came over me - he could do whatever he wanted at this point and I would
not be able to refuse. And refusing would have been a good idea at that point in
our relationship. Luckily he was a gentleman, and volunteered to leave. I was
That night I sent him an e-mail telling him exactly what I was feeling, which
looking back on it now - was a big mistake. I think it was at that point, that
he decided to take advantage of me, but I didn't know. I believe in my heart, or
I try to anyway, that people are basically good. However, I have realized in my
life that if people know they have control over you, they will use it to their
advantage. And that's what David did.
He said that he was flattered about my feelings, and that he felt the same way
but didn't want to rush into anything. He wanted to take things slow. I was
relieved that he seemed to truly feel that way. He again made plans to take me
out to dinner, and again called on the night of our date and said that he would
have to be late, but we would order take out and watch a movie at my apartment.
In retrospect, I should have declined the date, but my feelings for him were
very strong. I was fighting myself internally - I considered myself a smart
woman, in touch with what is going on mentally and physically with herself. It
was hard to admit, but I wasn't in control of this situation. I tried to reason
with myself that maybe these feelings about David were powerful because we were
meant to be. After all, we were both "sweet potatoes." I think I wanted to
believe that, as silly as it seems now.
Instead of taking things slow that night, we went full speed ahead. And instead
of being a gentleman, he must have decided that he shouldn't bother when he
already had me wrapped around his finger. Honestly, he must have flipped through
the pages of the Kama Sutra and figured out exactly what we were going to do
that night. He had an agenda. Instead of the night being romantic, it was more
like a lesson in obedience. He was commanding, and forceful, but gentle all at
the same time. He knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it. He didn't
want me to speak, just to obey his wishes. This is not to say that it wasn't
enjoyable, far from it. It was strange, intriquing, exciting, and different from
anything I had ever experienced. But I knew I was being used.
After that night, we still talked on the internet almost every day, but I began
to see the dark side of him. David had a very quick temper, and there were times
when I thanked God I wasn't actually with him at the time. He was quick to put
me down, and correct me, and say my feelings were stupid, silly, or foolish. And
each time, like a stupid, silly, foolish person, I would apologize and try to
gain his respect. I was walking on eggshells with everything I said. He said he
was too busy to be with me for a while, that his work was taking up a lot of his
time (and I remembered him saying "no excuse" when I was in the same situation).
So every day I would hope to see him, and every day I would get my hopes dashed.
But I tried not to express my disappointment, for fear that he would not speak
to me again.
My mood seemed to hinge on his before long. When we had great conversations, I
was elated. When he put me down and would log off the internet without saying
goodbye, I was crushed. Work was very stressful then, and my car was stolen from
my apartment parking lot. I was getting very little sleep at night, and as a
result would wake up extremely late for work. My life was in chaos, I wasn't
thinking clearly, and I was lonely.
The next date was more of the same, but I was so happy to see him and missed him
so much, that I didn't care. At one point he surprised me, looked into my eyes
very seriously and told me he loved me. It was as if a different personality had
interrupted the evening - I saw a vulnerable, insecure David peeking through the
dark side. I remember holding him in my arms, in the midst of our powerfucking,
and almost rocking him. I wish I had known why, but he was obviously in some
emotional pain. From our conversations, I could tell that there were some sore
topics, some parts of his life he didn't want to discuss. I wondered whether
there was some way I could have helped him, and some way I could have gotten him
to open up. But whatever the problems were, they were buried, and it would take
more than me to uncover them.
After that night, our conversations didn't change, his temper was still quick
and I would just as quickly try to recover from whatever it was I did "wrong".
Our next date was about a month later and even more intense. A few weeks after,
he told me he had "great news". He had gotten his dream job in Louisville
Kentucky, and would be moving. My heart was in my throat and I felt tears well
up in my eyes. I asked him when he would be leaving, thinking he would tell me
at least a couple of weeks. Instead he said, "tomorrow." I told him I wanted to
say goodbye to him, and asked if I could see him one last time. He declined, and
said he didn't have time but would give me a call before he left. I wanted to
say so many things, but I refrained, thinking that he would just log off and not
speak to me again if I set off his temper. He said "It was nice to know you,
take care of yourself." He then signed off. I was at work at the time, and
started hyperventilating, but managed to calm myself down within a few minutes.
I went to the ladies room and got violently sick. I requested to leave work, and
cried during the entire two hour commute home, and cried myself to sleep when I
got home. I never got a call from him.
For a long time, I thought Dave was lying to me about the dream job, and that
there was a possibility he was married, since he never talked about his family,
never told me where he lived, and wouldn't give me his phone number. However, I
know from his web site expertfriend.com that he does live in Kentucky now. He
also got married to another woman named Carrie. About two years ago, he emailed
me. He had seen my wedding photos online and told me I was a beautiful bride. He
told me that he was sorry for departing from my life so quickly, that he was
"really screwed up" back then, and that he regretted how he treated me. Although
I was relieved to hear from him, to hear that he was doing well, and that he was
sorry....I just kept remembering what he said to me at Hampton Beach...