"A Love Letter Never Sent"


"Always" by David Guetta

"Dragon" by Tori Amos

 

Written June 2008

I may or may not end up hitting "send". If you're reading this, obviously I hit it intentionally or by accident. It may not matter either way, because you have confessed that you don't read my emails. I think I just want to tell you this so that I can start to hopefully feel better, and say that at least I expressed it, even if you're not listening.

So here it is.

I've been in love with you for a while now. I could disclose all the nausiating details - tell you when I think it happend, what I think of you, and exactly how I feel in your presence. But that would be pointless, embarrassing, and make this more difficult to draw back from. I also wouldn't want you to become ill. It's been a long time since I wrote a love letter, but I do remember they always got me into trouble. And it was always just me writing them. So I will try to keep this from becoming one.

At first I thought my feelings were crazy, stupid, wrong, weird, careless, and all the negative things one could possibly think about them. But I also know that love makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I wasn't looking for it, and I couldn't possibly feel worse. It would be easier if you were anyone else. Alot easier to put out of my mind and completely ignore anyway.

Maybe you can tell me what a terrible person you think I am, and that will snap me out of this. Or maybe you want to be helpful and can give me some suggestions for how to combat this. Maybe you can tell me all of your negative qualities (everyone has them, so I'm assuming you do too, even though I can't see them) and I can hope the bad outweighs the good? Whatever you think will work, I'm willing to try it.

I am telling you all of this in confidence. No matter what, I will find a way to deal with this on my own. I've just been noticing that my feelings are not going away (which actually terrifies me), and I thought maybe it would be helpful to talk to you about it first before I make myself scarce.

Of course, you could always hit "delete" (if you haven't already) and pretend I never mentioned it.

 

"For the Hot Guy on the Motored Bike"

Since time began
And the earth was new
This scared and crazy girl
was dreaming of you.

Shaking her own branches
In a world doomed for sure
She never thought she would
Discover herself
Until you opened the door.

Inside you I see a scared little boy
Climbing trees to save his sanity
Longing to be free
Needing to be loved
Disappointed with humanity.

Without you realizing
I have taken the branch beside you
Watching and listening
Quietly supportive
of all that you do.

I have held tight
To the slightest touch or word
I don't know what's worse -
Biting the apple or being ignored.

I am not a selfish person
I wish you only happiness
I've resigned myself to live without
Your support or sweet carress

You didn't help install my motor
So I won't be going far.
Instead this scared and crazy girl
Will have to wish upon a star.

--Love, the Marshmallow Marksman

"Salvation"

Time upon a once
There lived a crazy girl
feeling very lonely
in this messed up little world.

She met a crazy boy
"Take my hand" he said to her
"We'll need to stick together" he said
"for all the strife we will endure."

"I know I need your support" she said.
"My branch is about to break.
I've been dying for a long time too
And I'm not sure how much I can take."

"Let's be strong together" he said.
"For two is better than one.
Show me this god forsaken place
Has some reason for salvation."

It wasn't an easy step to take
But they closed their eyes and jumped
They slayed the beasts and demons
That had left other warriors stumped.

But most of all they lived their dreams
An accomplishment indeed
The dreams of many others' had ripped apart at the seams
This gem received the most admiration from above
That in a world of darkness
These two crazy fuckers found love.

 

"Someday"

Someday when the mountains level
And the icecaps all collapse
Someday when certain states break off
And they have to redraw all the maps
Someday when the Grand Canyon crumbles
and turns to dust
Someday when the average temperature in New Hampshire
is hotter than the earth's crust
Someday when the rain falls down
so much it drowns the pain
Someday when the world swells up
Explodes and starts again
Someday when there is world peace
And life stops turning on a dime
Someday when time is measured
by your receding hairline
Someday when I win the lottery
And thus improves my luck
Someday when I can stop writing poems
that don't royally suck
Someday when my heart stops beating
I know this much is true
Even then I can't imagine
Never missing you.

If I choke boy
You start me up again
Restring my wires y'know
This gearbox can make the shift
Polish my rims...
--Lyrics from Cars & Guitars, by Tori Amos

Continue On the Journey