Written June 2008
I may or may not end up hitting "send". If you're reading this, obviously I hit it intentionally or by accident. It may not matter either way, because you have confessed that you don't read my emails. I think I just want to tell you this so that I can start to hopefully feel better, and say that at least I expressed it, even if you're not listening.
So here it is.
I've been in love with you for a while now. I could disclose all the nausiating details - tell you when I think it happend, what I think of you, and exactly how I feel in your presence. But that would be pointless, embarrassing, and make this more difficult to draw back from. I also wouldn't want you to become ill. It's been a long time since I wrote a love letter, but I do remember they always got me into trouble. And it was always just me writing them. So I will try to keep this from becoming one.
At first I thought my feelings were crazy, stupid, wrong, weird, careless, and all the negative things one could possibly think about them. But I also know that love makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I wasn't looking for it, and I couldn't possibly feel worse. It would be easier if you were anyone else. Alot easier to put out of my mind and completely ignore anyway.
Maybe you can tell me what a terrible person you think I am, and that will snap me out of this. Or maybe you want to be helpful and can give me some suggestions for how to combat this. Maybe you can tell me all of your negative qualities (everyone has them, so I'm assuming you do too, even though I can't see them) and I can hope the bad outweighs the good? Whatever you think will work, I'm willing to try it.
I am telling you all of this in confidence. No matter what, I will find a way to deal with this on my own. I've just been noticing that my feelings are not going away (which actually terrifies me), and I thought maybe it would be helpful to talk to you about it first before I make myself scarce.
Of course, you could always hit "delete" (if you haven't already) and pretend I never mentioned it.