"Catharsis"

"Precious Things" by Tori Amos

THE FLAME THERE ONCE WAS A TIME I WOULD'VE DIED TO HEAR YOU CARED.SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE ME LONGED FOR YOU.I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING WITHOUT HEARING YOUR NAME IN MY HEAD OR THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOUR KISSES MIGHT TASTE LIKE.I WOULD SIT NEXT TO YOU HOPING YOU WOULD CATCH MY EYE OR SEND SOME SUBLIMINAL MESSAGE TO MY HEART.I WOULD WRITE EVERY WORD YOU SAID ON A BLANK SHEET OF NOTEBOOK PAPER ON MY SOUL.I COULDN'T REMEMBER ANSWERS TO A TEST OR A STUPID MEMORY GAME,BUT I COULD REMEMBER EVERY WORD YOU EVEN ATTEMPTED TO UTTER.I COULD WALK WITH YOU FOREVER AND TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING OR NOTHING ON MY MIND.EVERY DAY I HOPED YOU WOULD TAKE MY HAND,BUT APPARENTLY IT WAS HARD TO FIND RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE.I WOULD NEVER GET TO SLEEP,I WOULD LIE AWAKE FRUSTRATED.I WOULD SAY A LITTLE PRAYER TO THE GODDESS TO HELP ME FIND YOUR HEART.ONE DAY I THOUGHT MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED.YOU FINALLY LOOKED MY WAY WITH SOMETHING MEANINGFUL IN YOUR EYES.I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH YOU AND LAUGH WITH YOU, AND HOLD YOUR HAND AND EMBRACE YOU.I NEVER WANTED TO LET YOU GO.I WANTED YOU TO BE MINE TO HOLD. THE FLAME INSIDE ME HAD GROWN BIGGER AND BRIGHTER EVERYDAY,AND I WANTED TO HARNESS IT. BUT THE TIME HAD PASSED QUICKLY,AND YOU WERE GONE FROM MY ARMS.FOREVER.BUT THERE WILL ALWAYS BE A DIM FLAME IN MY HEART.YE OF LITTLE FAYTH MY HAPPINESS THE GOOD LORD TOOK NOW I HAVE NOTHING.FOR WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE ONE YOU LOVE DOES NOT LOVE YOU? WHEN THE FEELINGS YOU FEEL ARE NOT FELT BACK?WHEN HIS HEART AND HIS SMILE ARE ALL THAT YOU LACK?EVERYTHING'S GONE EVERYTHING'S BROKEN.SYSTEM SHUT DOWN,WELL HAS RUN DRY.SHIP RUN AGROUND. FEELINGS UNSPOKEN.TOO TIRED TO CARE.TOO SAD TO CRY.FAILURES APPARENT.DISTRESS SIGNALS SENT.HOPE IS ABANDONED.LOVE IS RECALLED.QUESTIONS UNANSWERED.ENERGY SPENT.LITTLE FAYTH IN FRIENDS IF ANY FAYTH AT ALL.NO WORDS LEFT TO HEAR.NO SIGHTS LEFT TO SEE.NO BONES LEFT TO PICK.NO AIR LEFT TO BREATHE.NO FRIENDS LEFT TO TALK TO.NO HAND LEFT TO HOLD.IT WOULD PROBABLY BE BEST IF I JUST LEAVE.A BAD EXAMPLE.NO COURAGE TO SPEAK OF.JUST RUNNING AWAY FROM EVERYTHING THAT I FEAR. I BROKE ALL MY TOYS.I LOST ALL MY MARBLES.IT APPEARS THAT NOTHING IS LEFT FOR ME HERE.BUT...MOTHERHOOD MY WORST FEAR BECAME REALITY. I DON'T REMEMBER A LOT FROM THAT NIGHT, BUT SOME THINGS I WILL NEVER FORGET.I HAD SUFFERED MANY BEATINGS BEFORE "FOR LOVE" AT THE HANDS OF SOMEONE I LOVED AND TRUSTED.I ALWAYS FORGAVE HIM.AFTER ALL,HE DIDN'T MEAN IT,HE LOVED ME.THE SAME BOY TOOK MY VIRGINITY,BUT THAT WAS UNFORGIVEABLE.THAT WAS SACRED TO ME.I'LL NEVER FORGET THE WAY HE DRAGGED ME BY MY HAIR TO THE KITCHEN AND HIT ME HARD AGAINST THE LANOLEUM FLOOR.I REMEMBER HIM POUNDING MY HEAD AGAINST THE FLOOR,AND AS I DRIFTED IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS,I VAGUELY RECALL A FEW IMAGES AND FEELINGS.I CAN SEE THE SHARP KNIFE POINTING AT MY CHEST,HIS OTHER HAND PUSHING MY THROAT,AND HIM PUSHING INTO ME.BUT MY MOST VIVID IMAGE IS OF THE TWO CHILDREN STANDING ONLY A FEW FEET AWAY.THE LITTLE BOY SEEMED FRIGHTENED AND THE LITTLE GIRL WAS CRYING AND SCREAMING.SHE WAS MY VOICE BECAUSE I COULD NOT LET OUT A SOUND. I DRIFTED IN AND OUT AND COULD SEE HER.I WANTED TO GO TO HER,BUT I COULDN'T MOVE.THEY WERE WITNESSING THEIR BROTHER'S HATRED AND I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO PROTECT THEM FROM IT,I COULDN'T EVEN PROTECT MYSELF.DID THEY KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING?HAD THEY EVEN BEEN THERE BEFORE?MY THOUGHTS WERE SPINNING AS I RAN HOME THAT NIGHT.FOR SEVERAL MONTHS I WAS NUMB AND SPEECHLESS.I HAD STRANGE DREAMS OF RUNNING AWAY WITH THOSE CHILDREN IN MY ARMS,I WANTED TO HIDE WITH THEM.AND I HID FOR A LONG TIME.BUT I EMERGED WITH A NEW SENSE OF MYSELF,AND A NEW MOTHER...ME.I HAD TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T STOP SOMEONE FROM HURTING ME,AND I COULDN'T TAKE AWAY THE SCENE THAT THOSE CHILDREN WITNESSED.I STILL SEE EIZEBETH AND BOBBY IN MY DREAMS SOMETIMES,I SEE US RUNNING AWAY TOGETHER AND THEIR BROTHER IN THE SHADOWS LIKE A MONSTER FOLLOWING US.HE'LL ALWAYS BE THERE IN SHADOWS.BUT HE CAN'T TOUCH US,BECAUSE MOTHERHOOD IS THE GARLIC THAT KEEPS HIM AWAY. BUT I'VE BEEN THROUGH ALL OF THIS BEFORE.I'VE FOUND THE KEY TO OPEN DOORS.ITS IN MY HANDS AS WISDOM GROWS.MY EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME OLD.MY STORY HAS BEEN TOLD AND TRIED. SMELLS LIKE ROSES ON THE OTHER SIDE.

Continue on the journey