"The Longest Summer"

 

Written Summer of 1997

I don't know where to go from here. Every single day since I met you, you were my fantasy destination....my ultimate goal. Since that is gone, there is nothing left.

I take pen to paper and my thoughts no longer flow. You were my muse. Salty tears drop on the paper instead of ink, as my hands shake. My vision is so blury, I can barely see the paper. I remember your words, both painful and beautiful. My heart skips a beat, and I feel the familiar knot in my throat. I suddenly want to close my eyes and just disappear. I scold myself yet again for being so stupid. I reach for a glass, and pour from a bottle. It doesn't matter what is in it...it is the key to my forgetfullness....to your banishment.

One more drink and I'll forget all I can remember.

I'm sad because I can't hold you. My body can still feel your touch, warm and gentle. My reverie is broken, and I start to shiver. I wrap a blanket around me, and watch the lightening storm outside through the bay window near my bed. I imagine us enjoying the rain together and keeping each other warm. My mind is full of what if's. If you were here with me, I wouldn't be so afraid. The storm is not playful to me, as it once was, it just reminds me of the darkness that has fallen over me. The closing of my heart and the dull ache that has replaced any good feeling I ever had. I am closing myself off....I will go through the motions, and pretend there is a life left to live. I will look for someone to fill the void in my heart, but there will never be anyone to replace you. The One who lit up my life, with nothing more than a smile and a gentle laugh. You gave me hope and made me think I could survive any storm. You came into my life like a whirlwind...unpredictable and beautiful.

I walk emotionless, searching for you.

Every face in the crowd reminds me of you. I think I see you, but I don't. It's just a shadow of your memory and what is left of mine. I feel your hand on my shoulder, gently guiding me through a crowd of people after class...The first time I really felt your hand on my body, like a spark of electricity. You gave me life, and now I feel lifeless.

I search for ways to feel alive again.

I close my eyes and imagine you holding me. It doesn't matter that someone else is doing this, in my mind and heart it is always you. It is not the same though, and I feel sick to my stomach. I take this pain, knowing every second that I deserve it. I deserve the loneliness, and to never be loved. Your silence is my death sentence, which you have always delivered with ease. I am not a second thought to you, not so much as a blip on your radar screen. I was an unncessary part of your life, but you were a necessity in mine.

Our flame was extinguished with a pinch.

Light became dark in an instant. I made a fatal mistake I could not turn back from. It was a careless mistep to you, but for me it was the ultimate expression of my love. You were not like anyone else, you were more delicate. All my experience was irrelevent with you. I did not know what you wanted, I needed to learn and be patient. Instead I showed myself not to be worthy of you, to never get a chance to truly know you.

I imagine knowing what you wanted.

Pleasing you in ways I always wanted to. Growing with you. Knowing you inside and out. Making you happy. Loving you with everything I had to give.

My heart is a barren desert now.

I imagine the summer that could have been, but was never meant to be.



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